I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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