He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
