He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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