I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Everyone says I win the strip club
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
