So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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