don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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