you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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