Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
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