My girlfriend figured out who you are.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
