I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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