I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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