somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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