I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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