Jerry, you need to find god
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
