Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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