I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
