I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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