So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
