shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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