Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
