Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
