I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
