The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
