oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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