I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
