Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
