I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
