I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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