He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
