We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
