thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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