the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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