There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
