i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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