He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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