Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
