maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
