You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
