What did we do last night that was yellow?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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