Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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