I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
