the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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