im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
