Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
