My cat gives me a boner
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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