in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
