i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
