Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
