He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
