im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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