He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
my being single is dangerous.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
