if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
