I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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