I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
