so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
