OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
