I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
