they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
