At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
