Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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