don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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