Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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